Why marriage is not a good idea

[TObject]

My friend here is about to get engaged. I am trying to talk him out of it. What are the things I could tell him to change his mind? Why marriage is bad?

On a side note, I just found out that a guy I used to work with is engaged, and going to get married on national television in spring. There is some kind of TLC show, where relatives receive $5000 and get to plan the wedding.

This is the craziest thing I've heard this year!

[Mark Hinkley]

Marriage is great to the right person!


She does a lot...

Coffee in bed every morning

Dinner on the table at night

Bring home a big paycheck

Lets me build jeeps and go jeepin when I want

What more could you ask for

Oh she loves me too!!!!!!!!!

Marraige is great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


hinkley

[Hackle]

I alwasy remember that Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution.

That said Mark does she have a sister???
Jim F.

[speaceman]

How old is he? What are his reasons for getting married to his fiance. It may or may not be a bad idea, depending on some factors. Does he have a steady job, does she? Etc.

[Wind_Danzer]

I'm not a marriage person, don't plan to do it myself. I'd need to find a really, really good person to change my mind as I've been thinking this way about marriage for years and would be stubborn to even think about the knot. I'm all for spending a good amount of time with someone, long term relationships could and are nice but there is no need for marriage.

While I don't think marriage is bad per say, I do believe it's only a slip of paper that doesn't amount to much. I'd prefer to be with someone that cares about me that doesn't need to rely on a sheet of paper that says so. Of course there are some benefits, like car insurance goes down.... ummmm, I'm sure there are more.

Other reasons:

It's so damn expensive, even if traditionally the woman's family is supposed to pay for it, that the money could be spent more wisely, especially if they plan to be together for a long time.

The time it takes just to get a ceremony for one lousy day that isn't anything but show is a waste of a lot of time that could be spent doing other things together that won't cause small wars.

Living together vs. not living together before hand. To each their own and I know where you stand. I believe both have positives and negatives.

Are they really sure this is the person they want to spend the rest of their time with in theory? I know 1 out of every 2 end in divorce anyway and that's a whole other can of worms... bad ones at that.

Are they or can they become financially secure currently?

Is this friend being given the "ultimatum" or is he finally thinking this is a good thing of his own free will? If she's trying to get him to tie the knot, it may not work out for them. Everyone has to be ready at their own rate.

[karstman]

Jamie - I think I disagree with pretty much everything you said.

[Wind_Danzer]

That's fine, I'm sure there will be quite a few that will disagree with it.

It's just MHO anyway.

[Sephiroth]

32 years this June and still happy I think

[Chris L]

Debra and I are scheduled to be married on the first saturday of march I think....have to go check my calender

On another note, I dont think its a good idea to get married before 30 {or there abouts}. When your 21 you think you know everything. At 30 you realize you don't know a damn thing. I'm coming up on 40 this may and I am still not sure what the hell I know. I do know I have a pretty great partner that puts up with my stuff and still loves me unconditionally. Plus she likes to go wheeling

[TObject]

Originally posted by speaceman
How old is he? What are his reasons for getting married to his fiance. It may or may not be a bad idea, depending on some factors. Does he have a steady job, does she? Etc.

He is 34. His reasons for getting married as he said it, "It would happen anyway". He wants a house and a big screen TV. Basically she was bugging him about getting married for a while and he finally gave in (or about to).

They've done mortgage shopping already, and it looks like they can get $320 grand to buy a house. Which I am not sure is enough to buy a good house in San Diego. But he is optimistic, and saying that it would be a good start.

He has a stable job. She works at university, which I guess is a stable but low paying job.

[Daless2]

Originally posted by Chris L
When your 21 you think you know everything. At 30 you realize you don't know a damn thing. I'm coming up on 40 this may and I am still not sure what the hell I know.

Trust me Chris, it only gets worse. I know!

Frank

[TObject]

Originally posted by Wind_Danzer
Are they or can they become financially secure currently?

Is this friend being given the "ultimatum" or is he finally thinking this is a good thing of his own free will?

I think they are relatively fine financially. Not super great, but all right, from what I can see.

Yes, the friend has been pretty much given the ultimatum. Ether they get married, or the relationship is over.

[Wind_Danzer]

Originally posted by TObject
Yes, the friend has been pretty much given the ultimatum. Ether they get married, or the relationship is over.

If he's not ready, then this probably won't work. Both parties have to be ready, or so I believe. I know I wouldn't want to be pushed into it or given an ultimatum (thing is, I don't think I'll have to be by any guy ).

Good luck to him, maybe he'll be successful, especally if he really knows he wants to but is putting up some sort of face. You'll know better then I.

[ChrisK]

Originally posted by Mark Hinkley
Marriage is great to the right person!


She does a lot...

Coffee in bed every morning

Dinner on the table at night

Bring home a big paycheck

Lets me build jeeps and go jeepin when I want

What more could you ask for

Oh she loves me too!!!!!!!!!

Marraige is great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


hinkley

Dang Mark, sounds just like mine except for the coffee (I don't drink it).

I think (and many disagree with me) that before getting married, people should live together, even if it is for just a short time. When they don't, they don't always see everything there is to a relationship and the other person's real private self (bad habits, etc).

[Robert J. Yates]

Originally posted by Don Palese
32 years this June and still happy I think

don, if she says you're happy, then you are

[speaceman]

Well, from the info your posted, it doesn't sound like there's anything there that really throws up a warning sign other than your friend's reluctance.

From what I've seen amongst my friends, that's kind of how it went. The women wanted to get married, the guys dragged their feet for as long as they could, and then basically said 'whatever'.

The question is, does he actually want to get married (deep down inside) or does he want to keep the relationship from ending because he's comfortable?

If it is the 2nd, then he really needs to think about what he is doing.

Despite what some in this thread have said about marriage being a "piece of paper" and everything is the same before and after, I whole heartedly disagree.

In pricinple, modern marriage may have been reduced to a paper and some tax consequences, but in practice, there is a definite change in your relationship with your partner once you take the plunge. It is hard to quantify, but take it from someone that went out with the person they married for quite sometime beforehand(6 years). Things do change. The agreement you make that the "paper" is based on does carry some weight.

If you friend is going into the marriage for the reason of preserving the relationship, for holding the status quo, he may be in for a rude awakening. That is where he may run into problems, since he may not be happy when things start changing on him.

I'd ask him about that. If you feel he wants to get married but is just dragging his feet in typical guy fashion, I think he'll have as good a chance as anyone. If he just wants to keep the relationship going, then maybe you really want to talk to him about what he is doing.

I'm not sure if I've explained myself well enough. It's hard for me to quantify my marriage experience because it's sort of based on intangible feelings, but I hope my muddled explaination will maybe give you some sort of direction to work by.

[Jeff Weston]

First of all, Dr. Phil has nothing over Shalom. He worded it much better than I could ever hope to.

Sergey, why don't you want your friend to get married? Is it because you think marriage is bad or that she is not the right one for him? If it is the former then I cannot help you. IMO marriage is not bad, there are only bad marriages.

If you truly think he is in a doomed relationship and, as a friend, think that he'd be better off without her, you may have him ponder the current state of the relationship. Is it already a struggle to maintain harmony with constant fight/makeup cycles? Do they have common views on children and money? Does either have addictions that they cannot or will not attempt to control?

If one or the other thinks that they can change the other person after marriage then they should run away quickly!

Chris, good luck to you and Debra on your upcoming nuptials!

[blkTJ]

Man, you guys are great. If I can ever find a woman to pay attention to me and have a decent long term relationship, I now have a handy guide to tell me if I'm ready for marriage.

Congrats Chris, I think I've only met Debra twice, but she seems great.

[Matt N]

Why are you trying to talk him out of it?

You must have some reason/s for concern... so as a freind tell him what worries you.

You don't need us to give you extra reasons because ultimately you already have a reason, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to talk him out of it.

[papromike]

I think it is really important that you marry your Friend...



My wife and I were great friends before we got married, and now are even closer (coming up on 5 years and 2 kids later)


She loves to wheel, Is a great mother to my children and overall just a good person.

I can't imagine a day without her or my kiddos...

[William]

Originally posted by Chris L
Debra and I are scheduled to be married on the first saturday of march I think....have to go check my calender

Congrats!

[William]

Originally posted by Wind_Danzer
I do believe it's only a slip of paper that doesn't amount to much. I'd prefer to be with someone that cares about me that doesn't need to rely on a sheet of paper that says so.

If you believe the relationship is that good, then that "little slip of paper" shouldn't be so much the obsticle you make it out to be.

Marriage isn't for everyone. I have friends who are very happy "un married". And friends who are. It's a matter of choice. I just think that somepeople make it out to be a bigger issue than it really is.

That piece of paper simply symbolizes the value and importance you place upon the relationship. And if you'd don't value it that much, then hey, there are other things to worry about than paper.

[Desert Fox]

Sergey,

This month, my wife and I will celebrate our 41st wedding anniversary. My folks, who live in Florida, will celebrate their 66th anniversary in October of this year. I speak from experience, not hearsay from Dr. Phil.

Here are a few highlights from my relationship with my wife. We dated for 4 years. At the start, we had common life and financial goals, all of which have changed over the years. From the start, we took at least one separate vacation a year and one together. She likes big cities, plays, museums, etc. I like camping, fishing and off roading. Common vacations were/are to visit relatives or go to a compromise location like a resort where she can go to a spa and I can hike or off road during the day. I guess my point here is that if one person tries to dominate the other, the relationship won't last, especially if both the husband and wife are equal wage earners.

To keep this short and Jeep BBS board relevant, I offer this analogy. Marriage is like the relationship you have with your Jeep. The Jeep you started with is not the the Jeep you have today. As you have modified your Jeep you have expected more from it. And, if you have taken good care of it, it has taken good care of you. If you have taken chances and done foolish things, you may find yourself upside down in the sand wondering what happened. But, in reality, you know exactly what happened and why. You did something stupid. A long term marriage is like a long term relationship with a Jeep. You have to work with it every day. You have to make reasonable modifications to keep it exciting and the older it gets, the more attention it needs to keep it running smoothly.

A good marriage doesn't "just happen." It takes a lot of work, by both parties, to keep it on the trail for the long run.

Fred

[sethmark]

I'm just lost as to how tobject or winddancer are qualified to give marriage advice? Isn't some first hand experience required?

[Robert J. Yates]

Originally posted by sethmark
I'm just lost as to how tobject or winddancer are qualified to give marriage advice? Isn't some first hand experience required?

LOL Seth.

Sergey, if you really don't want him to get married, I'll be more than happy to give him my ex's phone number so he can have a little chat. 15 minutes of that and he will want out - I guarantee it

[Darrell C]

Nicely said, Fred.

[Darrell C]

Originally posted by Robert J. Yates
15 minutes of that and he will want out - I guarantee it

ROFLMAO

You're bringing back some old memories, Robert.

[Wind_Danzer]

Originally posted by sethmark
I'm just lost as to how tobject or winddancer are qualified to give marriage advice? Isn't some first hand experience required?

Depends on what you believe to be first hand experiance. Parents in a crappy or good marriage, friends in the same boat or just sitting back and hearing the talk from co-workers or others.

Those are my thoughts on the subject, take them how you want them. My opinion is no less then yours if you were to have one.

I've seen plenty in good marriages, I've also seen some in bad. I don't wish ill will on anyone doing the deed.

My parents have been married for over 30 years with only one hiccup in the road about 10 years ago. My mom's unfounded accusation of my father having an affair. They were also tested with very personal issues when I was 14. It still survived.

My best friend is tying the knot in May and I know for sure that he's not ready to do it based on actions within the last month or so. I know it won't last long if his actions continue also. If he's stopped, then it could turn out successful. If not, then I'll give it a year.

Fred, that was nicely said.

[Joe Dillard]

Sergey, if you want to expose/show him a slice of reality that will likely cause him to think more carefully about decisions of marriage, take a day out of the week in the near future & visit the local Family Law Courthouse with your friend. It's an eye opening experiance.

Family Law Court
1555 6th Ave
San Diego, Ca.
(619)236-0189

Parking s&*ks. Park around the back side of the building on a residential street, or pay $ at one of the many parking lots. Arrive NLT 7:00AM & wait outside the entrance amongst all the smiling faces. Court begins at ~8:00. DON'T bring a gun with you.

Take careful note of all the happy faces that tend to flood this place. For added value, go on Friday AM when the family trial cases are heard. Feel free to sit in on cases that the Honorable Gordon Cruz (Superior Court Judge), resides over (he's my old lawyer).

Folks, please don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with getting married for the right reasons, to the right person. I'm all for it.

Originally posted by Chris L
Debra and I are scheduled to be married on the first saturday of march I think....have to go check my calender

That's AWESOME Chris! Congrats to you and Debra!

[William]

Originally posted by Robert J. Yates
Sergey, if you really don't want him to get married, I'll be more than happy to give him my ex's phone number so he can have a little chat. 15 minutes of that and he will want out - I guarantee it

Now that was priceless!